I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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