My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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