Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Ketchup is God's man juice
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Randomize
