shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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