Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She's the barista slut.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
