Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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