she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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