Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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