I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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