Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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