I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
