Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
