All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize