Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
