A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
