She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
