I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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