Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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