i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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