Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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