I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
