I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
