shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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