I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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