this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize