How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize