Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
