is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
