Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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