My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
