ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
