Apparently you make a good broom.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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