What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i now understand why vodka
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
