If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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