I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
