Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
