yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize