Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
