my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize