drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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