12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
