dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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