We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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