I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
