She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
