Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
