burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
