just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
