He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize