dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
