Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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