note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
