Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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