We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
