Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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