can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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