you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
