Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
