Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She needs sedatives and a leash
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
