I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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