I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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