Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
